Romance scams: how they work and how to spot one

A romance scam is a fraud in which someone fakes a romantic relationship to get your money. It starts with affection, daily attention and plans for the future, and it ends with a financial emergency that only you can solve. It's no small problem: in the US, romance scam victims reported $1.14 billion in losses to the FTC in 2023, with a median loss of $2,000 per person, and that's only what gets reported.

What is a romance scam, exactly?

It's a confidence trick. The scammer doesn't sell a product: they build a bond. They show up with an attractive, believable profile (a soldier deployed overseas, a doctor with an aid organization, an engineer on an oil rig, a successful businessman), spend weeks getting to know you and, once the bond is strong, the money appears. Most romance scams online aren't the work of a lone seducer, but of organized groups that split up the work.

There are two main variants. In the classic one, the person asks you for money for an emergency. In the newer one, they don't ask for anything for themselves: they show you how they “make money” investing and invite you to do the same on a crypto platform they control. The US Treasury's FinCEN calls it pig butchering, and the FBI's 2024 report flags investment fraud of this kind as one of the scams that moves the most money.

How does a romance scam work, step by step?

1. The first contact. A dating app, a social network, a text that seems to have reached you “by mistake.” The profile often uses photos stolen from someone else.
2. The emotional rush. Constant messages, compliments, “I've never felt this way before.” Within a short time, plans to live together or get married.
3. The change of channel. They ask you to leave the dating app and talk on WhatsApp, Telegram or by text, where nobody moderates.
4. The obstacle to meeting. There's always something: a posting abroad, a broken camera, a trip canceled at the last minute.
5. The emergency. An accident, a package held at customs, a frozen account, “enemies” making threats. Or an investment opportunity that can't wait.
6. The escalation. The first payment is followed by another, and another. If you hesitate, guilt or anger follows. If the scam is uncovered, someone sometimes appears offering to recover your money: that's a second scam.

How do you spot a romance scammer? The red flags

• Everything moves very fast. Intense declarations within a few days.
• You can never meet. Not in person and not on a video call, or the video call always fails.
• They ask you to leave the platform where you met.
• Their story can't be checked. A job abroad, family far away, no friends in common.
• Money comes up. A request for a wire transfer, loans in your name, gift cards or crypto. That's the definitive red flag.
• They ask you to keep it secret. Not to tell your family because “they wouldn't understand.”
• They teach you to invest. Screenshots of gains and a platform they recommend.

One simple check: run their photos through a reverse image search. If they show up under another name, you have your answer. And if you have doubts about a specific request, run it through the scam checker.

What are some real romance scam examples?

The Tinder Swindler (Europe, 2017–2019). Shimon Hayut, who had legally changed his name to Simon Leviev, presented himself on Tinder as the heir of a diamond magnate he isn't related to. According to the investigation by the Norwegian newspaper VG and his victims' accounts, after making them fall in love he invented threats from “enemies” and asked them for money and loans in their names. Cecilie Fjellhøy estimates she lost about $250,000. According to VG, one woman's money paid for the luxury he used to win over the next. He denies keeping anyone's money and calls the Netflix documentary a “made-up movie.” In Israel, in 2019, he accepted a 15-month sentence for an earlier check fraud case. We tell the story with respect for the victims, who were the ones who exposed him, in the case of Simon Leviev and in the Tinder Swindler episode.

His mechanism, the new victim's money paying for the set dressing for the next one, is a Ponzi scheme applied to a date. That's why Law of Deception No. 9 says: “The wealth they show you is being paid for by the previous victim.”

Organized networks. Most romance scams are run by groups that divide the work: one person writes the messages, another opens the accounts, another moves the money. That's what FinCEN details in its alert on pig butchering, where the romantic relationship is the way in to a fake investment platform.

Why do romance scams work?

Because they don't target greed, but trust and the wish to be loved, and then they lean on shame: many victims stay silent for fear of being judged. The scammer knows it and asks for secrecy. Telling someone you trust is often what breaks the spell. We explain it in why people fall for scams and in the Laws of Deception.

What should you do if it's happening to you?

1. Don't send any more money, even if they promise to pay everything back or get angry.
2. Cut off contact and don't reply to new profiles that write to you about the same thing.
3. Keep everything: conversations, profiles, photos, payment receipts.
4. Call your bank as soon as possible and ask whether any transaction can still be stopped.
5. Report it. In the US, to the FTC at ReportFraud.ftc.gov and to the FBI's IC3. In the UK, to Report Fraud, formerly Action Fraud. Reporting helps take networks apart even if you don't get your money back.
6. If they offered you an investment, check the firm with the regulator (FINRA BrokerCheck in the US, the FCA Register in the UK) and read the FCA's ScamSmart warning signs.

If it's happened to you, there are more steps in what to do if you get scammed. And remember: it wasn't your fault.